River Of Life

By Wayne and Tamara I am very blessed to have a wonderful and kind mother-in-law. I live 2000 miles away from my family, and she has always made me feel I have a supporting family right here. However, I worry about her a great deal. For 30 years she was a stay-at-home mother of three and took care of her husband. Four years ago he left her for another woman and moved out of the country. Because he has not paid the alimony the court decided on, she had to sell her house and buy a much smaller one. She got a job working retail, hoping to pay her bills. It’s a struggle. Her youngest just graduated from college and moved 300 miles away. When I spoke to her tonight, she said, "My children, and now you, are my life. You are what I am living for." This was not a melodramatic declaration, a cry for attention, or a guilt trip laid on because my husband and I are busy people and haven't spent as much time with her as we should. She meant it from the bottom of her heart. Her entire adult life was spent as a wife and mother, and now that she doesn't have these things she is depressed and lonely. It simply breaks my heart to watch her look so wistful when she asks about my parents and what they are doing with their retirement. How can I help her find something she is interested in, something to help her connect with other people? Jo Jo, we live our lives in the first person singular, which causes us to think things remain the same. But they never do. As the ancient writer Heraclitus observed, “We cannot step into the same river twice.” The river may be named the same, yet it is always different from the river we stepped into yesterday. Today we are a baby, tomorrow a toddler, a student, a teen, or a young adult making our own babies. Relatives die, we change houses and jobs, our children marry. Laws, heads of state, technology, and television shows all change. Ideas and trends shift in the breeze. Yet our life goes on, and each age of life comes with challenges. Your mother-in-law’s 30-year marriage changed, even though she didn’t notice. Now it’s not a matter of “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” It’s a matter of remaking her life to correspond to the pattern of life. Don’t be her crutch, and don’t make her your life’s work. Your role is more like the steady hand which helps a child ride the bicycle alone. You have to know the exact moment to pull your hand away so you can celebrate her transition. Be a helping hand, not training wheels. For starters, don’t neglect the practical. Your mother-in-law needs to talk to a lawyer. If her ex-husband ever returns, she needs to receive what she is legally entitled to. She should also continue applying for better paying jobs. But her real task is this. Her brain has established a stance, a way of addressing the

world. Yet study after study shows the brain, even in older adults, is capable of reinventing itself. Your mother-in-law needs to get out with other people doing new activities in fresh places. She needs to rediscover old interests and forge new ones. Help her explore the concept of aging well. Consider many options to find the handful which are right for her. This takes effort but it can be exhilarating, like the pretest nervousness which enables us to excel. The process will do you both good because just as circumstances transformed her life, so your life will be surprised by the unpredictable. We can never step in the same river twice. New water is always rushing past. Finding our poise in the midst of change is what life is about. Wayne & Tamara