Benedict Arnold

By Wayne and Tamara While visiting his family six days before our 20th anniversary, my husband sent me an email saying we weren’t happy together and he wanted a separation. But he never moved out. We lived day by day. The last five months he’s emotionally and financially abandoned me and our three children. He blames all our marital problems on me. Needless to say after digging around I found out he’s been having an affair for nine months. Days he was supposedly taking trips to our tree farms, he was with her and never called our kids. He even took her to our family vacation spot. I think she represents freedom and absence of responsibility since her kids are grown. They can take off anytime and do whatever. I’m hoping she’s just a booty call, but how do I deal with this home-wrecker if he’s stupid enough to marry her? My husband’s first wife cheated on him and he was a basket case from it, so why would he do it to me? My lawyer will serve him in three days for divorce due to adultery. My heart is shattered, my soul broken forever. How do I move on and trust another man again? What about my 10 and 14-year-old daughters? He looked them in the eye last month and told them women are evil and he would never get in a relationship again. Do I let them know what a lying, cheating, dishonorable man he is? Carissa Carissa, you have to tell your children the truth because an adulterer will tell them a lie. Your husband not only deceived you, he set up a new life for himself while stringing you along. You can’t do that to your kids. How can you teach them honesty if you allow lies to stand in the middle of the family? Who can they believe if you start lying to them, too? There’s another reason to tell the truth. Women who aren’t forthright with their children, while their former husband is telling them whoppers, are often abandoned by those children when they grow older. Dad becomes the good guy while mom is labeled the one who broke up the family. Calling his daughters evil is a vile act. It is psychological abuse of the first order, and it damages all three children. Your husband is eating away at his daughters’ self-esteem and encouraging his son to demean women. A man who says things like that needs to be out of the house and away from young lives who need nurturance, not cruelty. Your husband has not learned or grown from the experience of his first marriage. Notifying you by email was a cowardly act. It gives us his character in a nutshell. It invalidates his claim about your failings. But there is an obvious psychological explanation. He knows he is in the wrong. Good recycles good, just as bad recycles bad. Honesty in relationships promotes more honesty; dishonesty promotes dishonesty. You must provide your children with what is right, but how can you do that when your heart is shattered? The answer is simple. What you are going through follows a predictable pattern. If you try to find your way out by yourself, you are likely to flounder. But if you take the guidance of those who have been there before, you will recover more quickly than you can now imagine. Depression, anger, denial, and grief are only a few of the emotions cycling through your head. An excellent way to recover from this trauma and begin your new life is by reading “Rebuilding,” a book by Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti. And let your children know the facts. Their father got a girlfriend, and when you are married, you are not allowed to do that. If a person wants out of a marriage, the honorable course is divorce, not deceit