What Lies Beneath

 What Lies Beneath
All of the women out there will probably hate me, but for the last
14 months, I have been the other woman.
I’ve known my boyfriend almost 15 years. I was married to my exhusband,
had no kids, and he and I remained great friends. My
boyfriend was married with two young children when I met him, and terribly unhappy. He
stayed in a loveless marriage for the sake of his children.
I never considered dating him, but I often heard stories of how unhappy he was. Now his kids
are grown and out of the house, and one night it just kind of happened. We fell deeply in love.
I mean deeply in love. He never knew he could be this happy. Neither did I.
He told his wife almost immediately, and she did not take it well. She is a good woman, but
entirely dependent on him both emotionally and financially. He hasn’t loved her for many years.
His daughters swore to never forgive him if he leaves their mother, and he has been riddled
with guilt. He is a wreck. Meanwhile we’ve been seeing each other every day.
He keeps breaking up with me to try to get his family back together, and it never lasts more
than a week or two. His wife makes no effort to change, and he misses me dearly. This week,
it came down to the wire. He was supposed to be in divorce court but backed out at the last
minute. He fears growing old without a family. He called me crying and asked me to meet him.
He cried and I cried, and he told me he will love me forever, but feels too much pressure from
his family. He said he can never ever see me again because when he does, he just misses me
and wants me so much it is so hard for him. It will be hard never to see each other again. We
belong to the same volunteer organization, and it means too much to both of us to expect the
other one to quit. I know he is making a mistake. His marriage counselor even told him his
marriage is dead, and if he stays with his wife, it will just be because of guilt. How do I get him
to see he is making a big mistake before it is too late? I love him so much, and I have no doubt
that he loves me. Kinsley
Kinsley, the best case for you is that he is a weak man who doesn’t do what he needs to do.
But you can never trust a person with a weak character. One of their telltale signs is that they
publicly badmouth their spouse. Think about it. Why would a good person disparage their partner
in public? It doesn’t solve anything and openly whining makes them look bad.
A smart woman would think, “I would never marry a man who could broadcast things about me
to strangers far and wide.” We see this scenario often in cheating letters, and we can only view
it as a tactic by a cheater to get what they want. The person who becomes the other woman
(or other man) discovers the one they have their eye on is married to a “bad” person.
Permission to cheat granted. What a surprise! The tactic he used has two stages. He gave
you the justification to get involved. “Ours is a marriage in name only.” Then you learned his
second stage. “I’ve got to stay for the sake of the kids.” What he didn’t tell you is that when
both stages were exhausted, he would come up with a third level justification. “My wife is
dependent, the kids are fighting it, I will have no family.” On and on it goes. All his family knew
he was cheating. Now he claims the pretense of a family must be held together because, “I
won’t have a family when I get old.” You invested your life savings in an unregistered security
and the fund manager embezzled it all. There is no reason for other women to hate you. There
is reason for them to feel sorry for you. You still haven’t learned the lesson, and you’ve lost
years of your life. What do you think he tells his wife? “I don’t know why I did it. It was madness.
It was her fault.” But staying with his wife is what he wants. Other things are more important
to him than you. Crocodiles’ eyes often moisten while eating their prey. That’s where the
expression crocodile tears comes from. Those were the tears he shed with you.
Wayne & Tamara Email us at DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com