What My Family Taught Me About Holding Grudges As An Autistic Individual

What My Family Taught Me About Holding Grudges As An Autistic Individual by Kadin McElwain: What My Family Taught Me About Holding Grudges As An Autistic Individual Research has shown that individuals on the autism spectrum tend to hold grudges a bit longer than a neurotypical individual. These grudges can be over something minor, such as an individual not keeping their word when they say they’re going to Disneyland. But these grudges can also be over major life changes, such as a parent choosing to go with a man she had a crush on over being with her family. With my own experiences with holding grudges, I learned three things about the impact grudges can have on an individual. These lessons are ones I learned from my birth mother, who we’ll call Monika K, and my family. Lesson One: The Pettiness Of A Grudge: It was 2016 in Chandler, Arizona. In nine years, there would be TikTok, ChatGPT, and Tesla robot assistants. My family was preparing to move from Arizona to Tennessee, mainly due to how the education system was handled in the state. The initial plan was for all of us, Monika K included, to move to Tennessee together like we’ve always done historically. However, due to unforeseen circumstances, Monika K had to go to New York to be with her new boyfriend, choosing him over me. I held this grudge for nine years and I quite frankly still despise my birth mother for not choosing her son, who was already struggling back then as it was. But looking back at this moment, I remember the first lesson my parents taught me about grudges. The first lesson is to think about the pettiness of holding a grudge against someone. Some grudges can be over things that are quite frankly silly. For example, some grudges can be over something like someone being busy and not having the time to go out to lunch with you on Tuesday or your boss asking you to stay late to do 40 pounds of paperwork when you have a date night planned for your new fiancee. But other grudges are also justifiable, such as someone intentionally choosing something or someone over you. But the key is to decide which situation justifies a long grudge. Life is way too short to be mad at someone for a long time over a small thing. Lesson Two: Consider What Type Of Person You’re Holding the Grudge Against: Now Monika K, while she has tried her best, has never been a good person. In the past, she has made some trust-damaging decisions, including one involving some personal family drama and another involving a barn, that has rendered her untrustworthy. That doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t love her or respect her as a parent. But that incident in Arizona was just another one of the poor decisions she made that affected everyone around her. But that incident and her past led to another lesson I learned about grudges. That lesson is to consider the type of person you’re holding a grudge against. Are they a good person who genuinely cares about you? Are they someone who didn’t put your feelings before their own when pursuing a task? Who the person is can make a huge impact on how long you hold a grudge against them. If they made a mistake multiple times, it’s likely that they’ll never learn and that the grudge is justifiable. Lesson Three: Do What’s Best For You: Monika K’s mistake damaged me emotionally and put me through a period where I wasn’t open to the idea of socializing with people. What was the point if they were just going to leave me? It took me nine years to gather the strength to try to make friends again. I was so angry at her and didn’t know how to deal with that in a healthy way. This leads to the third and final lesson that my family taught me about holding grudges against people: Do what’s best for you. Holding a grudge can cause a lifetime of emotional pain and trauma, to the point where your social progress might be hindered and you’ll be afraid of trusting people. It’s unfair at best and damaging to your mental health at worst. So you should make an effort to forgive the person who hurt you, no matter the history between you and them. However, if it comes down to it, you may have to cut them off if being around them puts you in an unhealthy spot. Grudges can be a complicated thing to get over. However, the lessons I’ve learned during my time with Monika K have helped me a lot in navigating the topic. A grudge is something you don’t have to get over until you’re ready. In fact, you may never get over the grudge. But if you apply the lessons I shared, you will be more confident in your ability to navigate grudges.