Loveless

Direct Answers
from Wayne & Tamara
Loveless
I am a 45-year-old woman married to her second husband. In February he told me he has been unhappy for a long time and wanted his freedom.
This was prefaced by my finding email of a more than friendly nature from more than one woman. I confronted him. He said he was just "having fun" and "a lot of these women think they are in love with me."
I had a hysterectomy in January, and while home recuperating, I happened to find the email. After that there was no turning things around.
I got him to go to a marriage counselor one time. He told numerous half-truths about our married life, then left in a hurry saying he didn't need another appointment.
We live in a split-level home. He moved his things downstairs, but he hasn’t slept there. At first, he said he came upstairs because he heard me crying and couldn't stand it. No sex, but we sleep together like always, most nights wrapped around each other.
We are also having a bad time financially, though I tried my hardest to remedy that. We are selling our house, and I put money down on a mobile home for myself. He wants to live separately. Two months ago he purchased a ticket to Las Vegas, for himself, to go have a good time.
I think the reality of getting a place of my own has affected him, but there has been no overt move toward reconciliation. He hasn't even looked for a place yet.
He knows I love him. I tell him at least once a day. But he has a separate checking account and post office box. He sold his Lexus and is driving a junker. He spends most of his time at home on the computer. I no longer see his contacts because he uses his laptop.
Our house is going on the market next week. He’s leaving town for four days and leaving the cleaning and yardwork to me. He has offered to help me move, pay for my car, and not divorce me because I would lose his insurance coverage. So here we are. I still have hope in my heart that he will come to his senses before it is too late. I’ve tried being strong, and begging and pleading. Oh, he also says it is not me, it is him. What are your thoughts on this mess?
Wendie
Wendie, when he says it’s him believe him. He is confessing that his feelings for you are not strong enough to keep him in your marriage. He is so certain of that, he won’t let some counselor try to change his mind.
It’s simply the way he feels. You can’t talk people out of their feelings. If you could, they could talk you out of yours. Who is more in the right? You for wanting him to stay? Or him for admitting, once you caught him, that he is looking for someone else to be in love with? You can’t be happy forcing a man to stay against his will. There must be a connection both ways.
People want to blame the internet, Facebook and dating sites for breaking up relationships. All the internet did was shine a light on all the people in broken relationships looking for the real deal.
There is no begging and pleading in love. That’s adversarial. Though you are willing to settle for his physical presence over love, if he doesn’t love you, he is not present. So, what’s the point?
Wayne & Tamara
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