Aging Gracefully

Aging Gracefully
    My husband is no longer interested in sex. I’m not sure if it’s sex or me. It’s probably a bit of both, but I believe it started with me gaining weight. We got together when he was 50 and I was 40. The first 15 years we had a great sex life. With menopause and the stress of my aging/dying parents, I gained 25 lbs. Slowly, I gained another 25.
Now, at 65, I find it difficult to lose even a couple of pounds. Little by little, my husband began to lose interest, and we haven’t had sex for about three years. He is 75, athletic and in good shape. At first, I thought perhaps there was someone else. I can’t get him to talk about it. He just laughs nervously and says, “Yes, we should be trying to have sex more often." But he never tries. He’s kind and loving but not physically affectionate, so contrary to the earlier years.
Five months ago, I got him to take a testosterone test. He was low. The urologist put him on hormone replacement. Three months later, down further. After two months of a new treatment, no difference. He is European and finds it hard to talk about feelings. I am totally frustrated, sad, hurt, angry (with myself over the weight) and getting all screwed up over this.
I don’t know if I want to hear why he doesn’t want sex with me anymore. If it’s because of weight, or I’m older and less attractive, I can’t do anything about that.
If it’s him with low testosterone and no solution, how does one live the rest of their life without sex or affection?
Callie
Callie, words mean stuff. You say your husband is loving, and you say without sex you aren’t getting affection. But you said he is loving. Do you mean he is nice? Do you mean other people think he is a great guy? What exactly do you mean?
He looks sheepish and says, we should try more often. That does not express blame. It’s as if he is saying, “You know, I’m 75, and things don’t work like they used to.”
It appears he has not alluded to this as your problem. What a gentleman. If he were less of a gentleman, he would put this all on you. “Stop thinking you are still smokin’ hot.” Then he could launch you on a quest to lose 50 lbs. Boy, if that wouldn’t be an outlet for your energies.
We are not machines. Why don’t the people we love get to age? At 75 he is exactly what anyone should expect, unless they read tabloid articles about men in their 70s making love like bunnies. He seems to be fine with your relationship. Perhaps he never mistook physical intimacy for love. Have you? You sort of blame yourself—I am overweight—but you also say, if he won’t have sex with me, how will I go on? That’s like saying, if he can’t have sex, I don’t know if I love him. You’re not reveling in the health he does have. Is there nothing else he does for you? He’s never been affectionate in the way you want. He’s aged, but he hasn’t changed. You have given yourself age concessions (I’m older and can’t lose weight now). Where are the concessions you make for him?
When seeking a relationship, the right thing to do is to find someone about whom we can say, I love everything he does, not I love everything he does for me.Wayne & Tamara
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