Harvard Law School '66
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR THE TOWN OF
PINE GROVE, WETZEL COUNTY,
WEST VIRGINIA, TO EVER GET ITS
SHIT TOGETHER?
"In the conservative state of Alaska . . . everyone received $2,072 in 2015 simply for living and breathing from the Alaska citizen's share of oil royalties." Scott Santens, Huff Post
Single-handedly, the Wetzel Chronicle's great Investigative Reporter Ed Parsons forced this municipality to take the first step in dealing with its chronic and acute sewage problem. And what is the First Step, you ask? Well, dear reader, as any member of a TWELVE STEP PROGRAM can tell you, THE FIRST STEP IS TO ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. My personal roots in Pine Grove go back over a 150 years more or less on both sides of my family tree and I myself didn't believe that Pine Grove had a problem until Ed Parsons dragooned me into going out there in the latter part of May. Like the rest of Wetzel County, the State, and the Nation, I believed the party line put out by the recently elected Mayor BARBARA AMOS KING. The Town told the outside world "Our problems have been solved" and the leaders told the residents "When Phase III is completed all of the shit that's presently in your basements, filling the creek, running down Alley addition will miraculously be sucked down your sewer pipes and back into our state-of-the-art treatment facility." Trust us. The problem here was that no one could tell the populace when Phase III would start.
(I do not mention Mayor King's name to in any way criticize, malign, or otherwise impugn her character. Mayor King inherited this mess, the remediation of which would be akin to one of the TWELVE LABORS OF HERCULES of classic mythology, i.e. cleaning the Augean Stables. This was such a disgusting job that (as I recall) that the great Hercules puked his guts out early on and had to finish the job on an empty stomach. Mayor King is to be pitied rather than censured if for no other reason that he comes from an outlaw family. Her Mother's great uncle--one Paul Ice of Lumberport robbed the street car that ran between there and Shinnston and died in the Moundsville Penitentiary. And her first cousin was a shameless extrovert who was alleged to have practiced celibacy first his first--of several marriages--and was such a liar that both of his own "love" children would continually turn to their sainted mother asking plaintively "Mama, is the Old Man telling another lie?" All this poor woman could do was nod her head. 'Nuff said.)
When Ed Parsons and I came into Pine Grove, our first stop was the Post Office (where POB 144 had been in my family since WW II.) We asked the town's one emissary from the Central Government in Washington, if he was having any problems. "Some mornings when I come to work, it's like someone killed a corn fed pig in the bathroom," the clerk said with a half smile. "I just got the bathroom cleaned up but there's still some sewage in the sink in the back room. You guys want to take a look?"
I did and I'm still sorry. When I first sniffed the pungent aroma, I was afraid that I would emulate the great Hercules in his revulsion at his first encounter with the years of accumulated horse manure from the steads of King Augeias. Great investigative reporter that he is though, Ed Parsons was taking pictures left and right. I retreated to the fresh air outside. I was still reeling from the fumes when a man came up behind me, giving me a start. It was if he had materialized from no where. "Rogers," he said, "I've been waiting a long time for you to come and pick up your mail."
"Do I know you?," I asked timorously. From the way he looked, he could have walked off the set of The Beverly Hillbillies. His long beard was matted with the overflow from the chew of tobacco in the corner of his mouth. ''No. We have never met but I know who you are. I knew your grandfather John Henry Stewart with his wife Mary up there on Simpson Hill. You and your mother Ruth lived with them after the two of you came back from Ft. Polk in Louisiana in 1942 after your father shipped out for WW II. You and your mother road "The City of New Orleans" up from the Delta to Carbondale, Illinois, where you caught "The National Limited" to Clarksburg where your grandfather picked you up and brought you back to Pine Grove."
"Sounds like you been readin' my mail," I said with a smile. Like Coleridge's ancient mariner he had "fixed me with his evil eye".
He didn't smile back. "You shut up and listen, Rogers, I've got something to tell you. That's always been your problem, you know. Your mother told me that this old southern planter on The City of New Orleans asked her 'M'am, was that little boy of yours vaccinated with a phonograph needle?' Don't you know that you never learn anything when you're talkin'. There is a chance--a slim one maybe, especially around here--that you might learn somethin' when you're listenin'. Are you ready to do some listenin'?" I nodded.
"Pine Grove is floating in a SEA OF SHIT and it's going to get worse. Dr. David Board, Community Organizer for THE RICHARD EVANS MEMORIAL CONSERVANCY, will soon be issuing a paper comparing it to Haiti. This man was appalled at what he saw. He has traveled the world and has see it all. Tunisian prisons, he was part of the Dalai Lama's entourage, and a professional pilot. Once he landed a Sopworth Camel on I-70 in Wheeling, fixed a defect in his fuel tank, and was in the air before the first of WHEELING'S "JACK-BOOTED THUGS" [the phrase is not original with the speaker but borrowed from the NRA] showed up."
"Anyhow, Dr. Board will say that with such an elderly population and the approach of summer, there is a major public health issue. There is nothing more dangerous than human shit. You remember what your client Jeff Summers told you, don't you? He was Wetzel County's most decorated veteran of the Viet Nam War. The VC would shit, let it get really fetid in the sun, and then soak a sharpened bamboo stick in it. If it got into one of your limbs, the only cure was amputation. Pine Grove's back up could infect every thing all the way down to New Martinsville. Of course, it would be no great loss if all of the "Parlor City" went down the tubes, but I digress."
"But, don't you try to talk. I don't have much time. The cause is quite clear. It's those O&G bastards that THE RICHARD EVANS MEMORIAL CONSERVANCY was created to fight. Here, it started with "Old Mother Hope", which if you traced it was a part of Standard Oil of New Jersey, i.e. ROCKEFELLERS! Now, it's Dominion which is using Pine Grove's sewage system. But that's nothing compared to MR. GUMP. You worked construction when you were young. You were even a pipeliner for Carl Smith from Sandyville in 1962. You know what goes into those portable toilets. Feces and urine is the very least of it! Why bury an old pair of coveralls when you can toss them into Mr. Gump's? All sorts of vile concoctions goes into those toilets and then in the Pne Grove system.
The Post Office door suddenly swung open and Ed Parsons came out. "Hey, Mr. Rogers, who you been talking to? We could hear the noise inside." "Why this old geezer standing behind me," I said as I turned around, but there was no one there. I could see behind the Post Office the retreating figure of a human body ascending the hill in a cloud of smoke. Then I heard a booming voice: ''THAT WAS THE PATRON SAINT OF WETZEL COUNTY, THE HONORABLE OLIVER H. GALLAGHER, KNOWN TO ONE AND ALL AS 'OL GALLAHUE'. HEED HIS WORDS INFIDELS.'' "Ed, I just met the man who gave the great speech about Wetzel County. It's in the Myers, History of Wetzel County. Didn't you hear that voice from up on Simpson Hill announcing --- "
"Mr. Rogers, I didn't hear anything but that big rush of wind when I opened the door of the Post Office. You ought to get out of the sun, or maybe --- the last time I saw W.V. Wildman, he was Chief of Police here, you know, and he asked me 'Does Herbie Rogers still drink like he used to?' You haven't been taking a couple nips while I've been in there working, have you? Come on we've got some work to do."
And Ed Parsons carried the message to the powerful. Within a couple days, he brought STATE SENATOR CHARLIE CLEMENTS and a reporter from W.Va. Public Radio. A couple days later he cornered Congressman David McKinley and convinced him of Pine Grove's problems. [Rep. McKinley like so many people in the outside world had been told that the problem had been solved.] Sen. Clements paid a personal visit on Mayor King and asked her what he could do to help. She asked for an audit and Clements quickly convinced the State Auditor to pay a visit. Finally, it should not be forgotten that DELEGATE DAVIS PETHTEL was the first person Ed Parsons contacted and he pledged his support. AND DON'T FORGET THAT ED PARSONS INSPIRED MIKE MYER, EDITOR IN CHIEF OF THE OGDEN PUBLICATIONS (and a man not unfamiliar with Wetzel County or New Martinsville) TO PEN A GREAT EDITORIAL ON THE 3RD OF JUNE ABOUT THE TOWN'S PROBLEMS. PINE GROVE HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN ''OUTED''. PTL!
I also have done my part for the town where, e.g. Dr. Ed Watson, Terry Kiggans, Harry Eastham, and I began the FIRST GRADE together in 1946. I HAVE INVITED THE ATTORNEY GENERAL AND JOE MANCHIN, OUR SENIOR SENATOR, TO COMPETE IN SHIT-PITCHING CONTEST TO SEE WHO CAN COVER A LIFE-SIZED ICON OF DON BLAKENSHIP UP TO HIS NECK THE QUICKER. This way Don will get what he deserves on this earth, and not what he wants. My money's on Manchin. Any takers?
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