Collateral Damage

Collateral Damage By Wayne and Tamara I am writing during a trying time in my life. I am a 35-year-old mother of three children and just recently lost my husband. My siblings and I have been dealing with an alcoholic mother since we were born. There were harsh and horrible memories, but I believe we have all forgiven her. My father who did not drink, but worked two full-time jobs, divorced her when the youngest of us kids was a teenager. My mother has gone through ups and downs ever since. Two years ago she was arrested again for drunk driving. After realizing she’d be facing prison time, she attempted suicide many times. The worst time my mother landed in intensive care for a week on a respirator, unconscious, while her children, sister and brother sat vigil by her bedside. We were told if paramedics arrived 10 minutes later she would have died. Each time she attempted to kill herself, she called one of us kids to let us know and say goodbye after taking all the pills. Well, she ended up doing the time assigned by the court and came out at first a calm and happy person, but she wasn’t given her old job back. She has a fear of working in public, so she won’t take a cashiering job close enough to walk to. As a result she is about to be evicted from her apartment. Since I lost my husband, who was also an alcoholic, I’ve found a cheaper apartment for myself and my children. It has an extra bedroom I’d like to use as a playroom. My uncle offered my mother a place to stay, but she says she doesn’t like his rules. She is demanding to move in with me. She still drinks and has mood swings that explode at the drop of a hat. I don’t believe it would be good for my children so I told her no. I told her to stay with her brother. She told me not to consider her my mother anymore. Her last words were, “I’ll never hate you, but I’ll never speak to you again.” I feel guilty, but I also know my children come first. They are still dealing with their father’s death, as it happened just four months ago. I feel hurt and angry my mother cannot understand what she is doing to me at such a painful point in my family’s life. Marti Marti, you cannot comprehend why a drunken woman doesn’t understand what she is doing to your family. For people not raised in an alcoholic household that is not even a question. They would be astonished if your mother didn’t attempt to destroy your family’s life. When you were young, your mother prepared a cocktail for you and your siblings. She mixed normal with what is normal only in alcoholic households. One result is you can say “I married an alcoholic” as casually as another woman might say, “I was raised Lutheran, so I married a Lutheran.” Every aspect of your life, and now it appears your children’s lives, has been affected by alcohol. You say your kids come first. That’s only believable if you eliminate alcoholism from their home life. That you feel guilty about not bringing your mother into your home suggests you haven’t grasped the full extent of her abuse. Legal and medical professionals who deal with people like your mother couldn’t help her. You can’t either. But you can get professional help to grow past the trauma you were raised in. The last thing you want to do is replicate the horror of your childhood for your children. Living under your uncle’s rules may be the last chance your mother gets to put her life in order. Her life suggests families need to move away from saving the drunkard to saving the six or 16 lives around the drunkard which are being mutilated. Wayne & Tamara