Wrongly Accused

Wrongly Accused
I am in a difficult situation with my ex.
We broke up nine months ago but remained in touch, talking or texting, hanging out now and then, and becoming intimate a few times. I ended things to focus on myself and my health. After two years I realized I was still closed off from him. I was curious about others as he was only my second real relationship in my mid-20s.
It was a tough breakup because he considered me his first real love. We built a good friendship, so it was difficult to cut all contact. I also think I selfishly tried to keep the door open while potentially wanting something else.

My ex was reliable and kind. I simply had doubts I couldn’t move past. I thought ending it was the most fair option for both of us in an unfair situation.

Nine months after the breakup a friend of four years asked me out. I agreed. He told me of his feelings while I was still with my ex, but I chose to stay, so my friend never acted on his feelings. I will be honest and say it did affect me because I wondered what it would be like to be with him.
However I did love my ex and did not want to leave him under those circumstances, so I never pursued this other person and we remained platonic. Now my ex is upset, hurt and angry because he suspects something was going on with this other man when he and I were together.

My ex doesn't believe I ever loved or cared about him. Our relationship is basically invalidated in his eyes. I know I shouldn't care, but I can't help but feel guilty. I understand why my ex feels as he does. It feels like I am always the one hurting him, which is hard for me to face.

The idea of dating someone else, especially a longtime friend, is scary but I want to try. How can I let go of the guilt I feel for hurting someone else?
Margot

Margot, Voltaire said, “History is the lie commonly agreed upon.” Your ex is rewriting the history of your relationship, and he wants you to agree to the lie. His revisionist history proves your decision to end it was right.
You moved him from boyfriend to boy friend. You two were together in an attempt to find love. On your end, it failed. Your only mistake was having casual sex with him instead of making a clean break. That sent you into an iffy zone that has no future.

Now he is using that to rewrite the kind of person you are and to suggest you were doing what you were not. He’s telling you what he thinks of you: you are a cheat.

Someone who still loved you would not believe that of you. They may be sad, they may wonder where they went wrong, or they may wonder if it was just not to be. But they wouldn’t go to, “I’m going to tear her down.”
He’s trying to turn the tables on you, and he will succeed only if you feel guilty for breaking up with him. Leave him with his hate and vitriol and false history. When we are with the wrong one, of course we think of others. That’s the true history of your relationship.

Wrong is worse than none. Wrong isn’t wrong just because it is wrong. It is wrong because it also robs us of right.
Wayne & Tamara
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