Under Attack
My husband works for a demanding computer company which takes up most of his time, even on weekends. He is having an emotional affair with his boss at work.
Over the past year, he struck up a close friendship with this female boss that includes drinks after work while I am at home alone, buying her gifts and sending email on the weekend which doesn’t involve work.
I never suspected anything until they went on a business trip in Europe together. When he got home, he had lots of pictures. Over two-thirds of them had just her in them.
He admits being sexually attracted to her and says they share a special bond. He tells me he loves his friendship with her but is in love with me. Since there is no physical contact, he says, there is no threat to our marriage.
He claims she speaks highly of me, and if she thought she was hurting our marriage, she would be devastated. But when I see her, she directs the conversation to him, not to me, and she is in a bad marriage herself. I am being placed in increasingly uncomfortable situations. My husband ignored my request to join me at our daughter’s sports event, preferring to have drinks with her and take her out for her birthday at our special restaurant.
We are in our second marriage counseling session. My husband is in denial and arrogant about his involvement in an emotional affair. How do I trust him again, or was I a fool to ever completely trust anyone this much?
Carole
Carole, in December 1941 one of the warships at Pearl Harbor was without electrical power as Japanese planes attacked. To resupply their gun turret, sailors had to form a human chain, passing the heavy shells from one to another. As the men tired, a navy chaplain rallied them by saying, “Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.”
It’s good to be hopeful, but it’s even better to be realistic.
Your husband is dating another woman, and you haven’t been able to stop it. What is the compromise between “I don’t want you dating her” and “I’m dating her and don’t care what you say”? That’s what you would like counseling to resolve, but those two positions have no middle ground.
Calling something an emotional affair provides easy cover for a physical affair, and your husband and this woman have ample opportunity. But even more than that, emotional involvement is at the center of all our relationships. Admitting to emotional involvement makes this even worse.
We surmise your husband is the financial support of the family. Are you holding on because you don’t think you can support yourself? If that is correct and your husband knows it, he wins. It will be as he wants it.
But you can’t be the wallflower at the dance.
Privately see an attorney to learn where you would stand in a divorce. Check your own credit rating outside the marriage. Investigate how much money you will need to live on. Build a work wardrobe. If you can’t support yourself, invest in acquiring a marketable skill. Consider turning marriage counseling into individual counseling. If your husband sees you as weak and unwilling to act, he won’t suspect you are figuring out how to strengthen your financial position.
We understand how wrenching this is. Infidelity is overwhelming. It fills people with thoughts they cannot get rid of and it shreds their social position.
It’s good to be hopeful, but it’s even better to pass the ammunition.
Wayne & Tamara
Send letters to: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
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