Passing the Torch

Five months ago, I met a guy, 21, and we fell in love. I am 26. I've come to accept that because I look a lot younger, younger guys will always find me attractive. I got some good advice once that if the relationship is good and makes me happy, people around me will learn to accept the person. Being an African doesn't help the situation because relationships between older women and younger men aren't quite accepted yet. However, my boyfriend and I are doing fine, and my friends and his have accepted us. All would be well except a month after I met my boyfriend, my brother died. My brother was the single most important person in my life. He is the reason I am the successful and smart person I am today. As the song says, "he was my everything, the center of my world." Everything I did was so he could be proud of me. I never made a move or important decision without asking his advice. Now that he is gone, I don't see the point in anything anymore. If the reward won't be the proud look on his face, then there is no point in doing it. Sometimes I wonder if I should ask my boyfriend where the relationship is going, or just go with the flow and take things as they come. I know it sounds silly, but to me my brother was right there next to God. Kesi Kesi, wounds take time to heal. But all wounds, to our body or to our spirit, follow a normal pattern of healing. Now is the time to grieve and heal, not the time to decide on the future of your new relationship. When we are young, our reason for achievement and our reason for being depend on other people. As we mature, we understand the real reason for accomplishment grows out of ourselves. It is our nature to express our capacities. To fail to express everything within us is to fail to live. Your brother understood this, and that is why he gave so much to you. He would not want you to withdraw from life, but to become the kind of beacon to others he was to you. Edith Wharton said, "There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." You were the mirror reflecting your brother's light. Now you can be the candle passing the light on. Perhaps one day you will again see your brother's light, shining from the eyes of your own child. Wayne & Tamara Asking The Wrong Question I am looking for some advice on how to handle heated moments. I try my hardest to remain calm and keep my voice lowered, but my partner ends up waving his arms and using a host of tactics to argue instead of dealing with the issue at hand. Usually I start by saying, "When you do that, it makes me feel like…" His response is usually something like "you're being irrational" or "that's a bit harsh." He says anything to invalidate my feelings. I don't know how to word my feelings so he sees they really are an issue for me. Jenna Jenna, the tactic of saying "when you do x, it makes me feel y" has been around for decades. It can only work when the other person is as earnest and honest about communication as you are. You believe there is a way to word things so your partner will understand and respond to your feelings. But there is another possibility, the principle known as Occam's razor. Sometimes this is interpreted as "the simplest explanation is most likely to be true." The simplest explanation is this. He understands every word you say. He doesn't care about your feelings and is successfully communicating that to you. Wayne & Tamara Wayne & Tamara write: Directanswers@WayneAndTamara.com Wayne & Tamara are also the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell, What Infidelity Does to the Victim, available from Amazon, Apple and most booksellers.