Imaginary Lover

 

Imaginary Lover
Q Four years ago I cheated on my husband and left my marriage. Since then I have worked hard to learn from this life experience. I have done this by going to therapy regularly where I was diagnosed with depression and placed on antidepressants.
     Reflecting back now, I have come a long way. No longer am I the person I was four years ago. This has come through hard work and tremendous self-examination. I have begun dating a man who I care for deeply. We have been dating for two months, and it appears we are really connecting. Since I am in my mid-30s, obviously I bring a history to this relationship which he has asked me about.  How much do I share about my past? He knows I was married, and I explained the reasons why we broke up. I know the affair is not the reason. There were plenty of red flags long before I acted out.    I explained why I believe our marriage did not work but left out this detail. I ask myself how it would benefit our relationship if I shared this information with him, and if I did share it, would he hold it against me in the future?
     Most recently I shared with him that I was diagnosed with depression and am taking antidepressants. His reaction to this information was quite shocking. Rather than being understanding, he expressed concern whether the drugs alter my personality so much he truly does not know who I am. I was so stunned all I could do was cry, because I felt judged. Here I worked so hard to become a healthy adult, only to be questioned about whether my personality was genuine because of the drugs.  So, I pose this question to you. Do I share with him about my affair? Am I being deceptive if I don’t tell him? When do you tell someone this kind of information? He felt I should have told him immediately about my depression rather than wait two months. My feeling is you have to know and trust that individual before you share such vulnerable information. I am still feeling hurt after his depression reaction.
Candice
A Candice, there is a line in George Orwell’s book 1984 that goes something like this. “If you want to keep a secret, keep it from yourself.” Stop seeing this as a secret you need to divulge.There is one main question in your letter. This is our answer. Why would you consider telling this man about previous cheating, once he said, “I don’t know who you are.” It sounds like self-punishment to us. You want to put him in a position to punish and reject you.
A better question to ask us is, should I break up with him? Our answer is yes. He made two claims. Your personality is false because you are “under the influence” and you should have told him immediately. Apparently, he has a list of assumptions about the woman for him. He knows who she will be without having met her. We don’t know all the qualities on his list, but that person has as much substance as a child’s imaginary friend.   His list, however, does tell you who you are dealing with. He is not looking for the one for him. He is looking for the one he invented in his mind. And he already gave  himself an out—I don’t know who you are.   If this is his reaction to a common, legally prescribed medication you need to take, don’t tell him anything more about yourself.   He’s negated the two months of dating and the two months spent learning who you are.   You cried over his remark. Make that cry the cry which comes at the end of a relationship.  We have advice for the next man you date. Some information belongs solely to you. It doesn’t affect anyone else, and it does not belong to anyone else. There is no requirement to share all of your secrets, especially if that person might use them to injure you.
 Where does the desire to confess come from? You regret doing it, and you learned your lesson. You married the wrong person, couldn’t face ending it, and added another misstep. You know you will never do it again. The issue has been resolved all time and forever.
Yet you still feel guilty. You don’t need to confess and be forgiven by some third party. Once a lesson is learned, that ends it.  Wayne & Tamara write:  Directanswers@WayneAndTamara.com