Torn

 Direct Answers
from Wayne & Tamara

Torn
  Q I'm writing to get your opinion on a problem brought about by my ex-fiancée,   a woman I truly loved many years ago. We had been dating about five years, and I asked her to marry me four months before the bitter end. At that time I was in the military and she was a junior in college. I was scheduled for additional training the following year, after which I planned on tying the knot. She tearfully accepted my proposal. Her parents brought her to visit me during her spring break that year, after which she informed me she was pregnant by some other guy, was so sorry, et cetera.
That was, of course, the end of us. I still have bad dreams about it more than 50 years later. She ended up marrying the father, then divorced him five years later. She’s been married, off and on, in the years since and is currently single. I married a nice, pretty girl a couple of years after the breakup and have been married to her 50 years. She’s been a great wife in every respect but one—she’s not a great lover. She always treated sex as a wifely duty and never liked to cuddle much. I, on the other hand, love physical touch and miss it when I don’t get it. Every time I try to initiate it, she stands there frozen, hoping I’ll go away. Or she pushes me away altogether. It’s gotten so bad I hardly ever try anymore. Other girlfriends I had before I was married were always warm and loving, including my ex-fiancée, so I don’t think I have chronic BO or anything. Now for my problem. My ex-fiancée has begun tweaking me on social media. She requested that I follow her (twice) and I denied both requests. Now she is liking some of my posts, and last week I responded by liking one of hers. Then, against my better judgment, I posted a link on her page to a Matt Monro song called And We Were Lovers, which reminisces about an old lost love. She came back with “you were and always will be my one true love.” Of course, that made my heart go pitter-patter, but I resisted the urge to immediately respond in kind. I have given no response at all yet, and don’t know if I ever will. She was the love of my life before the cheat, but I don’t think she is the same person I fell in love with early on. I really miss her tender touch, but I can’t get over the fact she swore to love me forever but failed to add, just not exclusively. I think I know your answer to this, but should I respond and reestablish communication with her, as I long to do, or should I block her and go no-contact? Either way, we will never be getting together again, even if that were possible, because she lives far away, and I won’t do anything to jeopardize the marriage to my faithful spouse. Besides, her cheating forever smashed any hope of reconciliation. I just think it would be fun to find out what she has been doing in her life all these years.
 Tom
A Tom, leaning over the edge, leaning over the edge, leaning over the edge. How long before you lose your balance?  She reappeared in your life of her own accord and for her own reasons. You turned her down twice, but she didn’t accept your No. She persisted until she got her foot in the door. What dire straits must she be in?
Her persistence caused you to double-think yourself. You imagine it would be “fun” to reconnect, but the real fun will begin when she entangles you in what she is trying to solve by contacting you.   
For 50 years, you mislabeled her. You thought of her as your one true love, but you weren’t her one true love. You didn’t know who she was then, and you don’t know who she is now. Without knowing it, she is preying on your decades without physical affection. Your wife is exactly who you married. Marriage does not change people into what the other person wants. At any point, you could have said, “I can’t live like this,” but you did not. You are so starved for affection, you think a woman who showed you what she showed at least one other man, is your one true love. But what she has done by coming into your life again is to heat up your hunger. If you intend to stay with your wife, communication with this woman must cease. All it does is spotlight what your marriage has always lacked. If you satisfy this hunger, then you have a marriage to end, and that includes 50 years of attachments, memories, and family connections.  Is it worth it?