Second Act

 Direct Answers
from Wayne & Tamara

Second Act
Q I am the mother of two girls.  left their father by getting into the car with the girls. While backing out of the driveway, their father jumped on the hood and tried to break in the front window. The oldest daughter, then 6, cried, “Mommy, Mommy, just let me out and Daddy will stop if I go to him.”
     I tried to drive away without killing my husband. It was a horrible way to see the last of their Daddy. The court fight was cruel and horrible. I fought for what was best for the children, while my ex fought to win a competition. Three years later, spent emotionally and physically, and drained monetarily, I gave up. My husband’s attorney gave my attorney two letters, written in pencil by my daughters, saying why they did not want to live with me. I walked away from my attorney minutes before the court hearing. I broke into sobs, ran from the courtroom, and walked around downtown the whole day and night in a pity party. I ended up giving the children to him. Later, I remarried. When my daughters were 19 and 21, I found my girls and we established some ties. I must admit they were not raised as I would have. I found them lacking and rude, though charming in many ways. I felt in time our bonds would iron these things out. My younger daughter has all but dismissed me from her life. My oldest daughter’s husband is abusive, and her father said, if she left him, her husband would get her children just like he did. Her husband forbade her to visit me with her child. One night I called and asked, if my current husband died and I moved near her, would she care for me if I became ill, or bring me groceries and medicine. That kind of thing.
     All she said was, “Well….” I did not press it further.  I have cried until I cannot cry. I always wanted girls. I dreamed of beach parties, taking children to the zoo, decorating for birthdays and holidays, and listening and laughing with them.  I am trying to raise puppies to have someone else who needs my love. Sometimes I feel God wants me isolated for some purpose, but I don’t know what.   Libby
A Libby, we can make poor choices, stay too long in a situation, and suffer the consequences. We can get caught up on the hamster wheel of “if only,” but that goes nowhere. It does not help and it does not heal.
What we need to do is face the harsh realities of today, and ask, what can I do now?  Today is the day we have. If we don’t act today, we will keep spinning the wheel faster and faster until we are tossed off, like those poor hamsters in YouTube videos.  One of the harsh realities to face is that your daughters have their own minds, their own rights, and the same rights for their children. You would like them to make a choice, but they are not ready for that choice. They may never be. Accepting that is the first step.
The second step is deciding not to sit around waiting for them to choose you. You want your daughters to take care of their mom. But they parted from you at such an early age, and with such vehemence from your ex, you may not seem like mom to them. Your daughters are not in your life now, but they appear to be stealing your life. Sometimes the only way out of a mess is to just start clawing our way out. The hardest times are always in the beginning, because we can’t see that we are making progress. But just the act of doing—what do I reach for next—will put you in the moment with what you can do and what you cannot do.
You have concerns about your future. Don’t wait for someone else to fix those concerns. We could give you an Encyclopedia Britannica’s worth of things to do, but you didn’t give us enough specifics about yourself. So we will prime the pump. Many people have written books with great ideas and resources for building a community of friends. That’s where to begin. Good things won’t fall into our lap because we wish for them. You can sit and look at the envelope with a bill in it, or you can open it, see the amount, and figure out how to pay it. A bill has come due. A bill incurred in part because of choices you made as a young woman. Accept it. You cannot sit on your hands, letting an event that may never happen dictate the rest of your life.  What you can do is face the question, what can I do today to make a success of my life?    Wayne & Tamara
write:  Directanswers@WayneAndTamara.com