When The Bill Comes Due

 Direct Answers
from Wayne & Tamara

When The Bill Comes Due
Q I am 22. I have been dating a fellow for a year. He is warm and sweet and so very, very good to me. We laugh a lot when we are together, and I feel safe when I am with him. He is loving and gentle and trustworthy.
     We’ve had arguments, and each time he sticks with me and works it out. He’s actually a lot calmer than I am. I like him so very much and respect him even more. I trust him—and that counts for a lot with me.
     I grew up with a mother who habitually had affairs and was emotionally abusive. I worry that I will turn out to be just like her.
     We have been sexually active, but I find myself not so very sexually attracted to him. I love snuggling with him. I am physically affectionate, but I just want to push him away when he comes on to me.
    I feel so bad about this, because I think he is a wonderful guy. I don’t want him to think I don’t find him attractive. We are seriously talking about marriage (he has ordered a ring), and I am freaking out!
     Is this normal or am I signing on for a life of sexual frustration?
Autumn

A Autumn, people can’t hear what they are not saying. You mention your life of sexual frustration. What about his life of sexual frustration? You trust him, but he can’t trust you to be honest about your feelings. What would happen if you told him the truth, “I don’t want to have sex with you.”
     If you think this is tied to your bad parent, then talk to someone about it. But otherwise, consider this an absolute sexual mismatch.
     We each have a right to our personal self and to our own body, but in this one relationship sharing your body is part of it. We are past the days of, “Lay back and think of England.” Some people might say just dive into it, but that’s like saying marry someone you don’t love.
     He thinks he has in you the complete package. He has no idea what you have in store for him. If you contemplate marrying a man you don’t want to be intimate with, he might be a great friend, but that doesn’t mean he is your one. And you won’t be friends after the marriage.
     It has to be right, and you want to push him away. Okay, stop dating. If you don’t own this, you will mess him up.  In a relationship, there is no relationship unless you are honest with the other person. Or someday he may write us saying, “I don’t want to have an affair, but I can’t live like this.”
     Just because you don’t want to have sex with him, it doesn’t mean you won’t want to have sex with someone else. You will understand that when the one who is right for you comes along.
     The telecom titan Bernard Ebbers acquired more than 60 companies and bought yachts and ranches for his personal use. But there was one problem. He falsified financial reports to make it appear he was solvent.
     In a panic, when his cash shortfall reached hundreds of millions of dollars, he ran around company headquarters turning off lights and insisting that employees pay for coffee, as if saving pennies could account for the missing millions. You can’t falsify the assets in your life. If you are not honest with this man, someday you will be running around looking for the quick fix that doesn’t exist.
     Today you are not deciding just for yourself. You are deciding for another person, without his knowledge. You are also deciding for any children who may come along, and for his family, and for your family.
 Why do you think your secret can be concealed for a lifetime? How can you do this to yourself? How can you  Wayne & Tamara
write:  Directanswers@WayneAndTamara.com