All That’s Left Is Goodbye

 All That’s Left Is Goodbye
   Q My boyfriend was married to a psycho for 30 years. She stole over $100,000 from his company accounts and didn’t file personal or business taxes for five years! She wrote herself checks and kept no receipts.
     When they separated six years ago, their children were grown, and I was in the picture. She vandalized my Jeep and followed me. She found out where I worked and phoned me 30 times a day. Over a three-year period, I filed five police reports and got a restraining order. Even the police were getting exasperated. All the while my boyfriend was still talking to her! He told me many times he would stop because there was huge drama with her and I couldn’t deal with it.
     A couple of years ago, he changed his number because I said I couldn’t handle them talking. He promised, if she discovered his phone number, he would change it as many times as needed for my sake.

     Eight months ago, we bought a beautiful house and she is still calling. He says he can’t be mean to her, and he now refuses to change his phone number.
     I am starting to hate him. Before we bought the house, I told him the only thing important to me is keeping her as far away as possible. Now he thinks I’m overreacting.
     The other day, when he told me he wasn’t going to change his number, I heard her voice and I lost it. I was livid! I don’t know what else I can say to him. I don’t know how long I can live there, yet I would hate to lose it all! My mind won’t let me calm down about her. I was honest with him from the beginning and said I would never be okay with it. It seems like it doesn’t matter to him.
Misty

A Misty, the author Simon Sinek became well known by encouraging people to ask themselves a simple question: what is your why? Why do you get up in the morning? Why do you do what you do? Why are you living the life you live?
     In the same spirit, we ask you two things. What is his why? What is your why?
     Perhaps your boyfriend is one of those men who are attracted to crazy. He has a toleration for her after all those years together. It must seem like a radical change not to live in the same house with this woman. His life went from 100% crazy to 50% crazy.
     But every year you stayed with him made it harder for you to go. Each year proved to him that you could deal with things as they were. When people don’t get consequences, they know they don’t have to change. That’s why, when errors persist in our life, we have to eat the blame and take responsibility for what happened.
     If there is no consequence for not paying your bills, then why pay them? If your kids have a 9 p.m. curfew and don’t come home until 10—and you do nothing—you just gave them a new curfew time.
     So the question becomes, what is your why? Why have you stayed? The answer cannot be love because he is actively involved with someone who harms you.
     One police report might not have been enough for you to leave. But five? The police got sick of both sides of this, and the man you live with still isn’t protecting you.
     Buying a house with him was self-punishment, it became one more reason not to leave, and you proved to him that he need not change. He knows you won’t leave. He probably knows why you won’t leave, whether it is money, lifestyle, or something else.
     Ask yourself, what is my why? And if you can’t come up with an answer, then ask him.
 Wayne & Tamara  
write:  Directanswers@WayneAndTamara.com