The Life Of A Double Agent

from Wayne & Tamara

Okay, I know what I’m about to say sounds bad, but I could really use a nonjudgmental opinion, so please be gentle on me. Here’s the deal: I’m 24 and have been married for a year to a great guy. Problem is, I am having an affair. This is not the first time I have cheated on him. I dated someone seriously while he was working overseas. I thought after we got married my infidelity would cease, but I recently met someone and it started all over again. I love my husband, but I just can’t help thinking if I really loved him, I wouldn’t do such things. The guy I am seeing is a lot like my husband: smart, handsome, ambitious, with a great sense of humor. He tells me he is falling in love with me. I have very strong feelings for him too, although I can’t quite put a label on them yet. My husband doesn’t know about the last affair, and of course he doesn’t know yet about this one. What is wrong with me? Why do I do such relationship-risking things? My husband and I do not have a bad marriage. We get along great and he loves me very much. Somehow, it just isn’t enough. I would sincerely appreciate your advice. I can’t talk to anyone I know about this so I’m turning to you. What should I do? Veronica Veronica, of course you can’t talk to anyone. You’re a double agent. Deception, schemes, subterfuge, and covert action are part of your daily life. No one knows who you really are. To be a successful double agent you can’t be loyal to anyone, not even yourself. How else could you live this life? It’s time to get out of the espionage business and find a country you can love and be loyal to. Your letter is not only a letter of resignation, but a request for help to make the transition to a better life. Two lies are holding you where you are. You say you and your husband don’t have a bad marriage, and you say your husband loves you very much. Your husband doesn’t know who you are. He loves who you pretend to be when you are with him, the lies you tell him, and the secrets you keep. He doesn’t know you married him with only a hope marriage would make you faithful. Without truth, trust, fidelity, and love there is no marriage. Marriage is for two people who bind themselves to each other, excluding all others, for the rest of their lives. How is this possible? Because each knows this is the person I am absolutely myself with, the person who puts all others out of mind. With the right person, you don’t lose yourself, you become fully yourself. With this person you can accomplish miracles. When you feel these feelings for another, when another has these feelings for you, that is love. That is the basis for marriage. Veronica, it doesn’t matter what your parents did, what your childhood was like, or what you are trying to reenact. You can’t change the past but you can let the past ruin your future. You know what you are doing is wrong, and no excuse will overcome that knowledge. This sense of what is right and what is wrong is your beginning. It is what will keep you from making the same mistake again and again. It is your ticket to a new life. To stop living this life of lies, you must take whatever comes from telling the truth. You cannot make excuses, minimize, or try to deflect any of what may come because of what you have done. It sounds like bitter medicine. But continuing the life you are leading now is far more painful. Wayne & Tamara Wayne & Tamara write: Directanswers@WayneAndTamara.com