The Illusionist

The Illusionist By Wayne and Tamara I am a faithful reader of your column and would like to hear your answer. I used to date a guy who claimed he liked me. He is a nice person, and I feel I can trust him. During one of our conversations defining what we had between us, he told me he couldn’t forget the previous girl he liked. He is a reasonably successful man who has liked this woman for the past four years. He assured me he liked me more, but as this was not something I wanted, I decided we would remain just friends. I still care for him, but I have no romantic feelings left. What I want to know is this. I can understand his reaction if they had been together once, but they hadn’t. It was a completely one-sided love from the beginning. In fact, this woman indicated she only wanted to be friends with him, and she has been in a happy relationship with another man for two years. He says he is happy that she is happy. Why do you think he tortures himself so? It almost makes me think he enjoys being the martyr. To be fair, he told me he would like to move on and has been trying the past four years, but is not able to. Is there anything I can do to help? Johanna Johanna, many people nurture a fantasy because it confers a mental gain for them. It may not be a productive way to live, but they reap a psychic benefit from doing it. In Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice” there is a noblewoman named Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Lady Catherine is a laggard whose only accomplishment in life was being born to a wealthy family. In one scene in the novel, during a discussion about playing the piano, Lady Catherine remarks, “If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.” Lady Catherine’s fantasy allows her to overlook her own laziness and to pretend she owes her lofty position to intrinsic merit rather than an accident of birth. In a similar way, we once knew a woman who adopted a little boy named Kenny. When Kenny was five, he wandered into traffic and was struck by a car. A few years after Kenny’s death this woman and her husband adopted another little boy, Steve. As Steve grew up, his adoptive parents constantly told him how remarkable Kenny had been. In their memory Kenny was a child with a natural ability to charm animals. He learned to read before other children and possessed unusual athletic abilities. No matter what Steve accomplished, he could never measure up to Kenny. When Steve married, his adoptive mother remarked, “Kenny would never have dated a woman like that.” It is almost too cruel to add that, though Steve cared for his parents in their old age, they secretly left all their assets to another relative. Their fantasy of Kenny was the tool they used to justify their abuse of Steve. Your friend’s devotion to this woman also must confer a psychic benefit. Perhaps he is afraid of intimacy and afraid of women. If he acknowledges this as a problem, he can go to therapy. Or he can nurture this fantasy all of his life. That’s for him to decide. But if his devotion is a ploy, it is simply his method of dating. He has no real intention of getting married, so he tells women: jump through this hoop and try to win me. When you are tired of trying and want to move on, remember that I warned you I loved someone else. If that is the case, he definitely won’t seek help because there is nothing to cure. Frankly, we suspect if he genuinely wanted this woman, he wouldn’t be so happy for her. He would be hoping she’d give him a chance. Wayne & Tamara