Traditions

Traditions By Wayne and Tamara I have just one sister and am close to her three children, who are now married with children. They are in their late 20s and 30s. I live in southern Spain, not near them, so often I send birthday or holiday gifts by mail. The problem is I never hear a thank you. Not only do I feel it is extremely bad-mannered, I don't even know if they received the gift! Whenever possible I give their gifts when I see them, even if the holiday is not for a month or so, so I can enjoy the moment of giving. Not having children myself, perhaps I am old-fashioned and don't understand this generation may feel a sense of entitlement from growing up so comfortably. Perhaps I am wrong, but I feel a responsibility as a family member to teach them the difference between right and wrong. Once after taking the entire family to a Christmas theatre production, two of them left without even saying goodbye, let alone thank you! My husband, who is European, is always taken back that he can walk into my sister's house for a family get-together and the kids don't bother to say hi. This pertains to their spouses as well. I've mentioned this to my sister but either she doesn't pass it on, or if she has, it hasn't made a difference. She says they are adults and she can't tell them what to do any longer. I did convince her to talk to one daughter-in-law about calling my father with condolences when my mother died. Even my sister was offended she hadn't called in three days because bad feelings were being formed. I was sure the girl didn't realize what she was doing, and in the end that was it. May I note that they are all well-educated professionals, but obviously missing the social part. Without being a pushy aunt, how do I let these "kids," who I love dearly, know how unacceptable this is. Or maybe I shouldn't be so appalled? Kathleen Kathleen, why is failing to acknowledge a gift wrong? The superficial answer is, because it’s bad manners. The deeper answer is, because it makes a giver less apt to give. Giving strengthens relationships. As John Donne said, we are not scattered leaves. When I give to others and others give to me, we are all stronger. But when gifts are unacknowledged, the giver feels less valued. It is as if their offering was cast in a lake. The only time a gift shouldn’t be acknowledged is when the giver gives to gain leverage or advantage over the recipient. Then the gift is a manipulation and should be refused or returned. In a classic experiment, one researcher bought subjects a Coke. Once they accepted, he hit them up to buy raffle tickets. Feeling obligated, most people bought two tickets, five times the price of the Coke! Members of your family act as if they don’t value your presents or your presence. It’s too bad, but it’s not your job to make them better people. Even more to the point, it’s not within your power. There are certain rewards in being bad and certain pains in being good. But each of us picks what we want: the pains and pleasures of being good or the pains and pleasures of being bad. What you get from gift-giving is the good feeling Ebenezer Scrooge got knowing that Tiny Tim lived and that he was “as good a man, as the good old city knew.” When you visit your family, give as you normally have. When you are away, send them a card saying you’ve made a donation in their name to some person, group, or charity you haven’t previously given to. When you stop sending gifts, will they call and say, “Where are our presents?” Not likely. But if they do, you will have the teachable moment you hoped for. Wayne & Tamara