“Dreamhousing”

from Wayne & Tamara

My wife and I met in college and dated four years before we married. We have been married for three years. In many ways Jane is a wonderful person, but we have totally different outlooks on life. I am ambitious and want to savor life. I want to taste everything the world has to offer. She, on the other hand, doesn’t want to change or grow. She would like to take a still photograph of our lives and freeze things just as they are. Jane would be content if 20 years from now we are living in the same house, eating the same food with the same friends in the same town. I can’t picture that. Looking back I see we were both too inexperienced when we married. Our marriage feels more like “playing house” than the real thing. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t happy with our relationship after the first year of dating, but I thought things would get better. Finally, I thought marriage would fix our problems. I told Jane I want a divorce and she seems to accept it. She may even be relieved. I would like your comments and advice on how to make parting less painful for both of us. Kellen Kellen, some time ago Tamara and I noticed how many couples get a divorce right after planning a dream house, building a dream house, or moving into their dream house. It’s as if they think a dream house can fix what is wrong with their relationship. “Dreamhousing” takes different forms for different people. For some people it is getting married, for others it is having a baby or moving to the country. You and Jane tried to dreamhouse your problems away with a wedding, but the problems that were there before the wedding are still there now. Now that you know marriage was not a cure for your problems, you understand where things went wrong. There is no need to point fingers or hurt each other. Understanding lessens the pain. Wayne True North My girlfriend and I fight about only one thing. Marriage. She thinks at my age I should want to get married. I’m 31, single, and still live at home. I feel like I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my life, but I would like to keep dating her until I decide. She is 22, lives at home, and has a young child. I like her, but whenever this topic comes up, it ends in ultimatums from her and threats from me. I don’t see why she wants to rush things. We have only been dating six months. Randy Randy, your girlfriend is dating to find a husband, a father for her child, and a home of her own. You are dating without preconceived plans or expectations. You don’t know where you want to go, and she knows exactly where she wants to go. In six months you haven’t experienced feelings which make you want to move forward in this relationship. It is not a wife you seek, but a life you seek. Adding other people to your life now isn’t a substitute for finding your own path. As children, most of us have a sense of what we like and want. As we age, many of us lose this sense of direction. Our internal compass no longer points true north. We can’t separate what we want from what other people want for us. If you can’t figure out what you want in life, then you need to reconnect with yourself. Perhaps for now, all you can see is that one thing is a little better (or maybe not quite as bad) as something else. Always choose what’s better. Apply this to everything around you. Unless you know where you want to go, you’ll wind up somewhere else. Tamara Wayne & Tamara write: Directanswers@WayneAndTamara.com