Growing Up

I am interested in understanding the behavior of our 26-year-old son. Our son wants to socialize most of the time doing activities he finds enjoyable, such as skateboarding, spinning records, and visiting his buddies. He has finished secondary school, made a sad attempt at college, and run away from home. After much discussion, questions, and listening for the hundredth time, we all agreed going into the Navy might help. However, he was rejected because marijuana was found in his system. We all agreed on a try at vocational college as they offered subjects he found interesting and he felt he could finish this. It lasted about one year. When he applied himself he got great grades, but he soon lost all motivation. Living away from home he ran up a lot of debt, could not keep a job, and avoided his family for months. At present he is back home. He found a full-time job which is now less than 20 hours a week, as the new company is not doing well. My husband and I have supported our son monetarily and emotionally, but we are depressed and lost for direction about how to help a very special young man. Phyllis Phyllis, because your son is 26 you want to treat him as an adult. In reality, you are bearing his responsibilities, much as you did when he was 16. You fear he may disappear from your life, or even do something so reckless as to endanger his own. He is using his actions to control you. He has a knack for failing outright or sabotaging attempts to make him self-sufficient. He has a talent for burdening others with his life. The reason you pay taxes is because there are repercussions. There is a known, set date when it must be done. Your son has no known, set dates for doing anything and no repercussions for failing. Many children need and appreciate a firm hand. When they succeed, they reap the benefits of pride and accomplishment. Determine reasonable goals for your son, like full-time employment and contributing to household expenses and chores. What you agree on together needs completion dates and penalties if deadlines are not met. When a capable adult child lives at home, he lives under your rules. He is not a guest. Each of us feels depressed when a basic element of life is out of our control. Take back the authority in your home. Being responsible for ourselves is part of life. You had to do it. We had to do it. Everyone has to do it. So, of course, your son has to do it. Wayne & Tamara The Wrong Approach I have been dating Kitty for seven months. We were chatting a while ago, and I asked her if she thought I was too nice. I mentioned some women think nice guys are lame. Kitty said I'm not lame, but she wouldn't mind a little more assertiveness. I enjoy giving her massages, stroking her hair, and buying her things, but she doesn't make me feel appreciated. Kitty says she wants to be more accepting of me, but I have no idea how she really feels. Should I tone down my niceness? Judd Judd, stepping out of a role creates problems. For example, when a mom acts like a waitress and maid to her kids, her kids will treat her like their waitress and maid. You sense this relationship is slipping away from you. Why? Because if a man doesn't act like a man, he doesn't trigger those feelings in a woman that make her respond to him as a man. You can't make a woman's heart race by acting like her handmaiden. Sometimes guys ask us why women go for the bad boys. The answer is because at least they act like boys. Don't be bad, but act like her boyfriend. Tamara Wayne & Tamara are also the authors of Age Difference Relationships, When Is the Gap Insurmountable, available from Amazon, Apple and most booksellers. Wayne & Tamara write: Directanswers@WayneAndTamara.com