Seeds Of Understanding

from Wayne & Tamara

My husband has two children from a previous marriage and shares custody with his ex. They have been divorced over three years. Our problem is scheduling holidays, arranging meeting times, or adjusting the visitation in any way. His ex-wife screens calls and will not return messages. On the rare occasions she answers the phone, she claims she will get back to us but never does. At our swap location, she rolls up the car window and drives off rather than discussing things. She is so skilled at manipulating that my husband must concede to her or be made to look like he does not want to spend time with his children. His son, 11, says his mother told him now that his father is married, he would be too busy to spend time with him. I am a hospital administrator and need to plan travel schedules, evening events, and vacations in advance. My husband is a teacher with set vacations. This ex-wife does not work other than cleaning two houses a week on a cash basis. I am stymied. Is the next step contacting an attorney? Her refusal to schedule in advance has resulted in one too many situations where my husband missed a work-related social event at the last moment, or I lost my option to schedule vacation days. Gloria Gloria, second wives often have a tough row to hoe, and this woman is doing all she can to plant weeds. You can't make her give up her emotional resentment and jealousy, but there are some things you can do. Your husband, for example, could message his son every day at the same times. Each day his son will know his father is thinking of him. The ties that bind your husband to his children don't always have to be physical ones. You can also draw a comparison for the children. Let them understand that just as they have school rules they must follow, so rules of the workplace govern your lives. Share the demands of your schedule with them. Let them know the things you must do don't reflect a lack of love for them. Young children are concrete thinkers, but they are capable of understanding the difference between what you must do and what their mother chooses to do. Unfortunately, legal solutions seldom solve emotional issues. Wayne & Tamara Somebody Knows Help! What do we do? We have a 40-year-old son, married, children, lovely wife. He has stepped away from his parents. Why? He cannot explain it to his wife or family. We visit when he is at work and just go on with our lives. We have always been a close family, there for each other no matter what. His wife will not get involved as she feels it is his baggage. His father spoke to her to let her know we are getting up in years. I am sure she has tried her best, but our son doesn't seem to care. Dixie Dixie, the first thing to be grateful for is that you are still in touch with your grandchildren and your daughter-in-law. She has done what she can and probably feels reluctant to align herself against her husband's wishes. There are reasons for everything. Sometimes small resentments are nurtured until they result in extreme behavior. Sometimes an undiagnosed mental illness is present. But we have to tell you that in our experience the origin of the problem is usually a family secret. This secret could involve sexual or physical abuse, alcoholism, or the constant belittling of one child. You haven't provided any details, but if that is the case here, you should realize there can never be a resolution without shining a hard light on a very dark corner of his life and your family life. Wayne & Tamara write: Directanswers@WayneAndTamara.com Wayne & Tamara are also the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell, What Infidelity Does to the Victim, available from Amazon, Apple and most booksellers.