Conduct Unbecoming

from Wayne & Tamara My daughter, age 18, became involved with a young man 18 months ago. He was charming, a gentleman, bought her flowers, and showered her with love. He seemed mature, well-mannered, and respectful of us as her parents. He was very vocal to her father and me about the way he felt. He wanted to marry her. Period. He almost talked her into going to a justice of the peace before he left for the Navy, but she wouldn't do anything behind our backs. She was deeply in love with him. She is a good and responsible girl who is now in college. She is also quite beautiful. He left for the Navy. She wrote him every day and flew to see him graduate from boot camp. In the meantime he wrote to her father asking for her hand. We were concerned about their age, but we trusted him. After graduation she flew home, and he started acting weird, like a Mr. Hyde. He drank heavily and avoided her calls. He was rude and accusatory with her. My daughter found out the night he left for boot camp, he cheated on her with another girl who was also on her way to the Navy. The entire time at boot camp he was writing love letters to a third girl. He wanted to marry her, too. He bragged about these conquests. His friend said he would stare at girls with a gaze that wasn't even normal. Come to find out he was in trouble when he lived with his mother in another city. He was wild and stole a car to attend raves in the middle of the night. He took drugs like ecstasy. His mother sent him to his father, a professional who is remarried to a psychiatrist. Step-mom told us he has problems with character, integrity, and truthfulness, and he needs years of therapy. After the deeds were done, of course, my poor daughter was beyond grief. He bragged to her about all the girls he had sex with, including a 14-year-old. Well, daughter is now in college and doing well. She does not act depressed, but she hasn't dated since they broke up. She really, really loved this guy. He hurt us all, not just her. A true wolf in sheep's clothing. This kind of betrayal is so foreign to her, and we also feel violated because we believed this little creep and almost let him marry our daughter. Dora Dora, your entire family has been victimized by "this little creep," and each contact from him is another sadistic abuse of your daughter. He is not trying to win her back. He is victimizing her again and again. As a former naval officer, I know his conduct reflects poorly on the service. The military doesn't need more black eyes. I also know that as a member of the Navy, he is the property of the U.S. government from his toenails to the top of his head. He can be disciplined for getting a sunburn, wearing his hair wrong, or spitting on deck. First, I suggest you write his commanding officer detailing his conduct with your daughter. Include any written correspondence from him to you. Ask his commanding officer to demand that he break off all contact with your daughter. Explain what this boy has been telling her, including having sex with 14-year-olds. Second, your daughter needs to take steps to prevent him from contacting her. Time will help her get over this, but the healing won't start until all contact stops. Your daughter should not give up her values, but she must allow for the realities of this world. There is an age-old conflict between what is and what ought to be. The happiest people in this world pursue their own values, while at the same time clearly seeing what others are capable of. Wayne SEND LETTERS TO: Directanswers@WayneAndTamara.com Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell and The Young Woman’s Guide to Older Men—available from Amazon, Apple, and booksellers everywhere.