The Innocent Party

Ten years ago, I am ashamed to say, I had an affair with my husband's best friend. My husband and I stuck it out, and I am happy to say we are still together. The problem is this. A few months ago my husband went to this former friend's house to have a beer with some men from work. When I found out, I was very upset. After talking it over, my husband said he understood why I was upset and promised not to do it again. Tonight, on the way home from picking up our son at daycare, I drove past this friend's house. Who did I see sitting at the picnic bench in his yard? My husband, the former best friend, and another man. I am upset all over again. I told my husband I do not want this man in our lives, and that he is pouring salt in the wounds. He said he won't do it again, but that is what he said last time. I don't get it. Isn't this weird behavior on his part? I should mention about six years after the affair, this friend took it upon himself to "clear his conscience" and tell my husband. That is how my husband found out. However, his best friend did not feel compelled to tell his wife at the time about our liaison. Viveca Viveca, there is nothing weird about your husband's behavior. His best friend was forcibly expelled from his life. He wants things back as they were before. This man's presence reminds you of the affair, but his absence from your husband's life reminds your husband about the affair. You want to punish your former lover for telling, but paybacks don't work when you are the one in the wrong. It is your husband's choice. You are trying to turn the tables on him for the very thing you benefited from, staying in a relationship. Are you afraid the bond between the two men is stronger than your marriage? Two terms are being used loosely here. A "wife" doesn't sleep with her husband's friend, and a "friend" doesn't sleep with his best friend's wife. Wayne & Tamara Still In Love I am dating Bud, a 52-year-old widower. His wife, Bianca, dropped dead of a heart attack on the ski slopes 18 months ago. He told me psychologically he is ready to move on, but the house has been left exactly the same. Her clothes are still hanging in the closet, her perfumes and brushes still on the dresser, her sunglasses still on her desk. Pictures of them abound, and the urn with her ashes is somewhere in the house. I didn't ask where. I haven't said a word about any of this, but I think it is a little bit strange. Recently we went boating, and the inside of the boat is the same as the house. I met Bianca's best friend Ava. In 48 hours she mentioned Bianca at least ten times, and even asked Bud to bring out pictures of one of their last vacations together. I thought this insensitive and thoughtless on Ava's part. Am I overly sensitive? Is Bud still grieving? I am not sure I want to meet any more of Bud's friends if they are going to spend the entire time talking about a man's dead wife. I don't know what to say except that I have lost loved ones too. Laura Laura, if I lost Tamara the opening would not be there for another woman. Our lives are that tightly interwoven. Bud's house is a testament to his love. It may take years or decades for him to move on. Or Bud may never love another woman as he loved Bianca. The connection he lost was his alone. It is not for you to set a timetable for him or for his friends. Wayne Wayne & Tamara are also the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell, What Infidelity Does to the Victim, available from Amazon, Apple and most booksellers. Wayne & Tamara write: Directanswers@WayneAndTamara.com